July 31, 2003

i'm left here, just body, mind, and heart. my soul and spirit have been torn out of me. so the rest, body, heart, and mind are merely left to suffer. perhaps my soul is already in god's hands. and when i sleep i'll dream of it and be at home. this summer everything has been falling down on me. i feel like i'm in the basement of a building that's about to collapse. nobody knows i'm there. i'm trapped. everyone is on the outside watching it come down piece after piece. little do they know is that there's a living being trapped at the bottom. and then this most unfortunate accident. the building crashes down. at some point the building had to come down. i'm buried. soon everyone will be walking away. days later they will come clean the mess. they will come across my dead body. they will now be in shock, in sorrow. this is what it takes. i was telling and screaming for help but nobody was listening. or, perhaps they will never come across my dead body. they will all go on in their lives. they will forget about the life that was once known as bugsy. they will never know the passion and love i had. i'll be a forgotten soul. out of god's beauty and love someday when my lover is old and frail...wrinkles, white hair, slow, fragile...she will be walking to the old stomping grounds, there will be this large red rose growing in the center of it. that was the soul everyone forgot about. the one who died. maybe then through god's grace that will be a chance that i'm remembered. so here i am today. trapped. will anyone hear my voice? will anyone step close to me? will anyone?
i'm in a gas chamber dying. will anyone come turn off the gas? will anyone go out of their way? i cannot turn off the gas, but there is a gun in the room. the pain and suffering will only increase. how long can i wait for someont to hear me? how much longer can i bare these pains. there's the gun, it could be over like that. i refuse to use it. i will suffer until my death. painfully weaping for someone to turn off that gas...or else...i will die. is anyone there? does anyone see my suffering.? anyone?
i'm in a concealed room and the water is rising. ...anyone?
push him out of the circle. he is worthless. let him wither away and die. let him suffer. we don't care about him. we don't care about his love. we don't care about his life. don't let him in. we hear you. but we don't care. the sooner you're gone the better.